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I am something that you'll never comprehend

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  12.6.05 - 12.12pm

i miss randy so much. i wish he would call me. this time of year is really getting to me.

my extended family is a bunch of assholes

my family has no money

I have no money

this is the first christmas without my grandma

and all i want for christmas is randy. and if santa is feeling extra generous... two tickets to INXS. that would be nice.

i want randy back.

Mood: crushed
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  11.1.05 - 10.07pm

I wish i could go through Vocare again. I need the support and the guidence. desparately.

Mood: confused
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  10.22.05 - 11.26pm

you know there is something wrong with america when rayn seacrest is the guest host for larry king live.

on that note i cut my leg shaving for the first time since like sophomore year of high school. I was singing to Elvis Presley (heartbreak hotel... lilo and stitch soundtrack...dork yes..) and i was singing into my loofah on a stick while shaving with the other. Apparently multitasking while in the bath tub is not such a good idea.

that brings me to another thing. When did carving pumpkins become so hard? and since when do i get carpel tunnel in my wrist from doing this??? all of these questions are a mystery to me.

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  10.6.05 - 10.10pm

I've had somewhat of an epiphany today. call it a part of growing up. I was sitting in english and I truely admire my teacher. She is a very educated woman and she has this understanding about the world that i can relate to. As I am sitting there and listening to her discussion about slavery, a little light bulb went off and signaled to me that I was starting to understand myself.

For so long I have been questioning what I feel and why am i feeling it. But what I am learning is not to question but accept. Not to set limits but experience. Like identity wise I have always said I am 1/2 slovak, 1/4 german, and 1/4 irish. But really what do those numbers mean? I am not taking my blood and putting it measuring cups. I am Slovak, I am German, and I am Irish. Learning about myself is really hard because I like to second guess. But I am what I am. I am blonde and blue eyed. these are things I cant change. well i could but that doesnt mean i wasnt originally something in the first place.

So then I come home and I have a tangerini ( but my version has orange rum not vodka) and I am sitting with my martini blanket watching sex and the city. I started thinking about my relationships, although none of them were never officially this or that, they were relationships. I have never had a boyfriend, but that label doesnt really apply to my life, I have had male relationships. Most of them ended with a fizzle and there were tears but they were something to help me grow up.

Learning has been difficult. and it never gets easier but that relaxing feeling of just accepting makes it easier to go through. I recognize everyone is different. It may not be me or my way but thats OK. Thats what makes life interesting. The world is many layers,there never is a right or wrong answer to life. I am not living my life how I thought I would be but that's OK. because back then I didnt know what I know now. Experience is everything. It's crazy.

At this point in my life something is missing. And I need to find what it is. It could be that I need a man in my life, because that is something yet to experience. It could be that I don't know enough about the world I live in. It could be that I need to move someplace else. and that is what I am working on at the moment. I feel lonely at night, like I dont have a true companion in my life. male or female. and i think that is what I am in search for.

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  9.25.05 - 10.24am

i am so disappointed. I'm trying to be understanding but really my birthday was a waste of makeup and hairspray.

I should be hungover, but alas no. My "friends" didn't buy me drinks and i had no money so i only drank the two free drinks i got from the bartender and waiter.

You know I spent all day getting ready. I got my nails and feet done, my hair straightened, makeup put on... i bought a new outfit. and for what... to go out to dinner where everyone complained they were sooo tired and to pay 70 dollars for the rest of the dinner bill.

It's funny, everyone said its your birthday dont pay for anything but really when the bill came they conveniently forgot that statement and really let me down. i was pissed. we get to my house and the only people excited were my mother and mary. shana and jenny went home, nikki only went to dinner and jess went to bed. wow what a party. write it down in the record book.

I'm done with my birthdays. People fuck them up every year and every year I cry because i just wanted one day to be special. its just another day now because there is nothing to celebate. i wasted money on my appearance to be angry and sad. thank god i didnt take pictures because i certainly dont want to remember any of this. it makes me even more sad to be disappointed in shana.

Mood: crappy
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  9.24.05 - 9.11am


Mood: chipper
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  9.15.05 - 10.30am

News update, britney had her baby! haha. Preston Michael Spears Federline. what a mouthfull. anyway in other news I will be 21 in 9 days. score!

Presents are greatly welcome but not required!

School is going ok. I love my job, working at cost plus world market. everyone is super nice and we always have fun.

Ive been working on my mom to let me get a dog, I really want to buy one when i get my inheritance money. I want a teacup yorkie. But she keeps saying no my father wont go for it so I have to get him when he is in a good mood.

in the process of redoing my room and bathroom. Bathroom is almost done. looks cool.

i cant wait for my birthdayyyyyyyyyy

Mood: thoughtful
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  8.8.05 - 12.32pm


I'm so there, I'll get a fricken credit card and charge the trip, I'm going to see my boys. Im so excited I cant see straight. Its sometime this fall, I red it is US weekly (with Jen tells all on the cover). Im surprised Justin agreed to such a thing. AMAZING. I actually thought it would never happen due to his pompous ass. I'm SO there. WHO's GOING WITH ME?!?! //end jerrymcguirerant :)

Mood: ecstatic
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  7.31.05 - 10.35pm

Awkward night my friends. I know I havent written in a while but I was sorting things out on my own and i should have been writing but when comes down to it, i was just too lazy lol.

I went to Davin's house (no im not stupid)to catch up with him before his gf came over. He's still a jackass. not as cute as he used to be which kind of makes it easier to be around him. But his gf, she is drop dead gorgeous. Seriously. but they are happy and Im happy for them. But it was still weird and there was a dead silence when Davin said I was his bitch in high school. but im glad i went because now my curiousity is satisfied.

Other than that im still jobless. I registered for Napa college, ill graduate in spring with my AA. Then i want to go to beauty school for makeup and hair, but not in napa. Im thinking San Francisco.

Im getting to be content. I think...

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  6.28.05 - 3.29pm

Jessie sent me roses!!! they are beautiful! thanks boo! My parents think Im a lesbian now but i guess thats ok. they gave me the third degree on who she was and if she was rich. haha. whatever. thanks again jessie it made my day!!!!!!

Mood: loved
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  6.26.05 - 2.24pm

OK so now that I am home im making a note of what I want to do...

Clean out my room, rearrange and decorate it.
Read my books
Pick out my classes for fall
Decide where I am going for Cosmetology
Get a job at a Coffee place
I WANT A PUPPY. thats what i want for my birthday and I will get it dammit. I want a male tea cup yorkie and Im gonna name him Louise V. <3

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  6.16.05 - 12.56pm

Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Every thing seems shallow
God, give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody's watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying's that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what He's done to me
Oh, but maybe
Someday I will breathe
Then I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
See somebody's watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what He does to you
Oh, but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you

It's in you
See somebody's watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what He does to you
Oh, but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby

Mood: touched
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  6.14.05 - 4.16pm

ok so i founs davin on myspace. tell me why this makes me giddy and why i want to see him more than anything. ON top of that he's single which makes me incredibly happy. Could i really still have a crush on him after all this time? I mean seriously i havent seen the kid since like graduation. its been a while. maybe i will see him when i get back to napa....

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  6.13.05 - 3.35pm

my back is seriously scaring me now. i dont want surgery. i have no health insurance. im so scared.

Mood: melancholy
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  6.10.05 - 12.24pm
the many faces of me haha

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Mood: dorky
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  6.8.05 - 10.16pm
i need to yell

HOw the hell can i defend my feelings when all i get is a voicemail. every single time. how can he NOT understand why I feel ignored. I mean come on. Even if he is busy he could text and say hi or quick call to say have a good day. God knows I do it. What the fuck. that is no excuse. how am i supposed to feel seriously. did a boulder drop on your head? or does one need to?

And another thing. A friend is supposed to help another friend when they need it. HI YEAH I AM IN PAIN! I only asked you to help me pack things because I am in PAIN. NO ABBEY CANT HELP ME. She isnt my friend, i dont want her touching my stuff. You know when you need me you got me but apparently depending on you is like asking hell to freeze over. I dont give a fuck if you are TOO tired or you have your own things to do. BEcause when I'm doing something that doesnt matter to you. get a fucking clue... the world does not revolve around you. You obviously need your head checked. I sat with you int he fucking hospital i called into work sick, i took care of you... and you cant help me pack some boxes? I am not asking for blood here. You know nevermind because if i want anything to get done I have to do it because you flake too much and i hate that. Im moving home and you act like its nothing. you were supposed to be my best friend. but guess what thats not what a best friend does. im tired of doing everything for you i am not your slave. you need a huge reality check. I am so fucking pissed at you. I do so goddamn much for you and you cant help me with one thing that i actually ask you to help me with. I can't believe it. its such bullshit jessica. pure bullshit. You cry to me everytime someone does this to you and look you are doing it to me. i swear. you are more worried about you than anybody else. im sorry my frienship with you is not going to work like that.

Mood: angry
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  6.8.05 - 12.20am

I know you have been busy and Im glad you get to spend time with your family, I mean i relate so much to that, more than you know. And when I talk to you its very short and online, and I guess it just made me feel like you didnt want me around right now.
Sometimes I just think about you and I miss hearing from you or getting a text saying hi. And I know if you felt any different you would tell me, but Im only human randy... I need reassurance too... like you it reminds me of something that happened in my past. homeboy just straight up stopped talking to me and it hurt so bad. I have my moments of weakness... I cant help that. But I have come to love you more than I have ever cared about someone in the past. I will wait for you for as long as I have to because I want you... only you... and I know it seems silly but please put yourself in my shoes and understand that I get doubts too...
i was trying to put up a wall and expecting the worst. and i shouldnt do that and I am working on it. Basically Im scared. and i know you know that. please dont get angry, please be understanding that my scares are slowly going away but i need help. I have let you in completely and that makes me feel vulnerable. Its not like we have known each other for years... im still getting to know you

and I want to be with you so im working on my flaws and im hoping that you will understand that and give me the time i need. ever since that one night i feel like you not coming here could be my fault and i cant change that feeling no matter how much i convince myself otherwise. I get scared to talk to you about my feelings because I dont want you to get angry with me so i bottle it up and pretend im strong. and it works most of the time. Everyone in my past has made me so insecure and i hate that. but you are slowly changing all that and that makes me even more cautious, if that makes sense and im hoping that explaining this to you will help things because i love you...

Mood: scared
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  6.7.05 - 10.33am

I'm a very understanding person, I mean I try to be. I try to be there for all my friends and help them out when they need it. But why does it feel like when I'm hurting, no one is around?

Like Randy. Nope can't talk to him anymore, too busy with his family. Which is great because I know how much it means to him. But things are changing and well he's blind to it. I don't hear from him except online. I call and get the voicemail. always. Now he says he's busy which is ok but put yourself in my shoes... never answering your phone, never talking more than 5 minutes... uh duh I feel neglected. Wouldn't you? I want things to work out and I am being so patient but that doesnt mean it hurts. It makes me not want to talk to him anymore. But I don't want to do that because well he was a great friend. And if i mention how i feel its like im crazy nothings changed. which hurts worse. I don't understand. And hte distance just kills it off completely. Now if i speak about it to everyone else its like "oh you are better than that you deserve more" which is true. I deserve the world. I'm a good girl and its about time someone fucking recognize it. I do so much for people out of the kindness of my heart and I get shit on. I would write him an email but that just doesnt suffice. I want to speak to him for more than 5 minutes and get out my feelings. because at this point its eating me alive. And I know all the sides to this story, so I dont want feedback. I'm tired of people telling me what i should do instead of just listening and giving me a hug. I've resorted to telling my journal all this because no one else will actually listen. Forget I met him on the internet, forget he lives in north carolina. Forget everything negative, because I know all of this and i beat myself up over it. Just know that my feelings are hurting and yeah its kind of a broken heart because i really thought it would be different. I dont want people to tell me im acting stupid and to get over it, its my feelings. you get over it. people just focus too much on everything else, not that fact that im hurting and i need someone. I dont need to realize anything, I already know. and if i could change my hurting duh i would. but i cant and it hurts so now what. where are all those who said they would be there for me? Im not trying to judge my friends, i love them all very very much. But i dont think they would understand quite how I feel. I think I should start writing my poetry again to get this all out. because this journal doesnt seem to be quite doing what i want it to do. I feel empty. ANd I wish moving home would fix things but i know it wont. I mean my friends are great from time to time... like Frank even though he's in New york, he always makes me feel special. He a good friend and I love hanging out with him when im there. HE tells me im gorgeous and that he loves my personality. Positive things that I need to hear from a guy. I think if I were living back in NY we would probably be dating. Minus his girlfriend lol. I think its just I crave male attention in my life and I dont have that part. My father isnt one for showing his feelings, I mean I cry everytime he says that he loves me. which is rare. And its not that I dont know that he does, its just he spends more time criticizing me than rather praising me. its like im constantly trying to prove him Im worthy of his love. It doesnt help that I dont really have guy friends either. Guys have made me feel like shit in the past, like im not worthy of someone to love me. and they wonder why im deathly afraid of them. Im scared of men. all of them. so when i open up and let one it of course it backfires and it hurts me 20958432897 times more than it should. I mean I am strong I always get through this, but for the time being it hurts and I want to cry. Im only 20 and i feel like im 40. My biological clock is ticking already... I want to get married and have kids. and i feel like I never will. You know Im ready now, im ready for someone to love me who i love back. its what i want more than anything else. I dream about my wedding and having kids. thats all i dream about. I just want a family of my own. yet im only 20 and i have plenty of time. yeah i know. dont tell me that. I want to be a young mom, i want to be able to have grandkids and great grandkids. everyone is old in my family and it was to my disadvantage because no one ever participated in my life. Kelli got everyone... 10 years earlier. By the time I came along its like "im too old for this..." or "ive already been through this with your sister" and it makes me sad. it makes me feel more alone that I already do. I don't know what to do anymore. Im tired of being scared or being hurt all the time. I try to be strong and when i cant its like no one cares. but im supposed to jump when something happens to them. Forgive me if im wrong, but friendship doesnt work like that.

Mood: crushed
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  6.6.05 - 3.24pm

adding to my list:

sing with a live band to some punk version of a son of a preacher man or like a prayer


my car blows

that is all.

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  6.5.05 - 11.18pm

ok so this is a listof things i wanna do before im thirty.. ok at least in this lifetime

make this list (haha)
go camping
be taken out on a romantic date... or a date at least
go to a real club
sky dive
get my nipple pierced (one will suffice)
own a new car
have my cosmetology license
have a boyfriend
get married in my grandmothers church
have a kid...
go to LA and act rich
see phantom of the opera on broadway
go to new orleans
go to vegas
travel in Italy
makeout with a good boy
fall in love
have my own place
go on a cruise
uhm have sex already
live in ny for a while
be a tourist in san francisco
work for MAC
own a louis vuitton
own something from tiffany's
lose some weight
go to disney world
go on a road trip across the country

thats all i can think of right now. i may add more later...

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  6.2.05 - 4.52pm

Hey you, you’re a child in my head
You haven’t walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you’ll be blessed

I know you’re still just a dream
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I’ve ever seen
Anyway you’ll be blessed

And you, you’ll be blessed
You’ll have the best
I promise you that
I’ll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You’ll be blessed

I need you before I’m too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you’re blessed

that song is so beautiful.... I cant wait to have kids ;) Elton John is the best. this song makes me think about my parents. I love them.

Mood: content
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  6.1.05 - 11.51pm

randy : yeah its been a rough day, but i was determind to find a way to talk to my beautiful babygurl

aww. I think i wanna keep this one.

THis whole no job thing is shitty. i really really really want starbucks. Im hoping i get a call. I need benefits and money asap.

Jessica said i could move in for two months. It will be cheap but theres her bf factor and sharing her room. So I agreed to couch it a few nights. their couch is comfy anyway so i dont mind. But i just want things to work out. My parents are hurtin for money and my mom said that my dad's gettin depressed and that makes me really sad. Im praying to God each night to help them because they dont need all this stress. they are too old. If it doesnt change i think i will move home... i dont want to and it will suck so much but my family is more important that anything. if i can be of no hassle then i will do it. even if it means moving home...

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  5.8.05 - 1.49pm

So I love VH1, and I love the 90's. Man I am still trippin over crystal pepsi and being the dork that I am I looked on ebay and THEY SELL CRYSTAL PEPSI, I am dying, I may even pee my pants. It was 47 dollars for 2 cans and a glass bottle. I mean thats classic. Crystal pepsi.... my god.

So its mothers day and I cant be with my mom which makes me sad. Not only that but I drive out here to my sisters and no one is home. I feel so loved.

Ive been bummed about this guy and I really dont like being a girl and getting attatched and all that. I work so hard at being independent that being crazy over this guy kinda makes me not want to talk to him. That probably doesnt make sense but it does to me and this is my journal so there.

I went to the vocare reunion and it was good. we had a good talk about communion and what it means and symbolizes. not to mention some good pizza and soda. I hope im here maybe for the next little get together.

other than that I havent done much so yeah.

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  4.29.05 - 3.49am

you may ask why i still talk to him, but he only talks to me when hes drunk. so sue me if i like to fuck with his head. (and thats not sexual)

ThePLBomb: i want to fuck!!
ThePLBomb: wut about you?
ThePLBomb: 111
XxMiSSKeRRixX: thats nice
ThePLBomb: i thought so
ThePLBomb: i might puke
ThePLBomb: !!!!
XxMiSSKeRRixX: im sorry
ThePLBomb: so am i !!!!!!!
ThePLBomb: lol
ThePLBomb: !!!!!!!!!!!!
XxMiSSKeRRixX: well good luck with that
ThePLBomb: r u going to help me out?!
XxMiSSKeRRixX: well im 500 miles away
XxMiSSKeRRixX: what would u like me to do
ThePLBomb: suck me
XxMiSSKeRRixX: lol
ThePLBomb: i am serious!!!!!!!
XxMiSSKeRRixX: and why are u asking me
ThePLBomb: i think you need the experience and you might be great
ThePLBomb: !!!!
ThePLBomb: ;-)
XxMiSSKeRRixX: i would be great
ThePLBomb: than show me baby!!!!!
XxMiSSKeRRixX: u really must be drunk if you are asking me of all people
ThePLBomb: i know u can suck it better thqn anyone!!!!
XxMiSSKeRRixX: i probably could
ThePLBomb: i am going to find out now!!!
ThePLBomb: Gwenid Gorgeous!!!!!!!
ThePLBomb: is**
XxMiSSKeRRixX: uh ok

if i was only home....not. he's such a loser when hes drunk.

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  4.26.05 - 10.24am

so i ditched school today. (big surprise i know) but when its 7:30 am and you cant find your roommates keys to move her car, class just doesnt seem worth it. haha. so i ate pizza for breakfast and watched a rerun of buffy. NOW im actually doing laundry. i figured since i dont have anymore jeans underwear or socks or sweatshirts, i should probably use a washer and dryer.

Last night I made a collage of my vocare retreat. which by the way was really really cool. I learned a lot about myself and found people that just accept me. I mean there were a lot of pet peeves "you have this much time" and being on lock down in a preschool prison, but i had a relatively good time. I got to know a lot of people, and sing a lot of jesus songs that brought me back to junior high. They fed us on the hour every hour and my group was really cool, even though we were kinds the trouble maker group. heh. YEAH GROUP 2. I'll probably go to the reunion thingy on may 7th.

I have exactly 17 days that have school in the agenda, which means 68 hours of some kind of academic work. i could pee my pants with excitement. really. i could. don't think I'm lying.

Abbey and I are getting along. it only took 8 months. ha.

my laundry in the washer is done. I should probably relocate it to the dryer. yet i dont want to get up. oh well.

Odly enough Im looking forward to going home for the summer. no bills. thats what i want. no rent. just work (ew) and school (yeah, summer school).

lets see.... i think thats it. I need to like clean my room or something. its rather messy and i think theres a strange smell. wheres the febreze...

Mood: content
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