:+: I Would Die 4 U :+: (krazykbear) wrote,
:+: I Would Die 4 U :+:

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I'm a very understanding person, I mean I try to be. I try to be there for all my friends and help them out when they need it. But why does it feel like when I'm hurting, no one is around?

Like Randy. Nope can't talk to him anymore, too busy with his family. Which is great because I know how much it means to him. But things are changing and well he's blind to it. I don't hear from him except online. I call and get the voicemail. always. Now he says he's busy which is ok but put yourself in my shoes... never answering your phone, never talking more than 5 minutes... uh duh I feel neglected. Wouldn't you? I want things to work out and I am being so patient but that doesnt mean it hurts. It makes me not want to talk to him anymore. But I don't want to do that because well he was a great friend. And if i mention how i feel its like im crazy nothings changed. which hurts worse. I don't understand. And hte distance just kills it off completely. Now if i speak about it to everyone else its like "oh you are better than that you deserve more" which is true. I deserve the world. I'm a good girl and its about time someone fucking recognize it. I do so much for people out of the kindness of my heart and I get shit on. I would write him an email but that just doesnt suffice. I want to speak to him for more than 5 minutes and get out my feelings. because at this point its eating me alive. And I know all the sides to this story, so I dont want feedback. I'm tired of people telling me what i should do instead of just listening and giving me a hug. I've resorted to telling my journal all this because no one else will actually listen. Forget I met him on the internet, forget he lives in north carolina. Forget everything negative, because I know all of this and i beat myself up over it. Just know that my feelings are hurting and yeah its kind of a broken heart because i really thought it would be different. I dont want people to tell me im acting stupid and to get over it, its my feelings. you get over it. people just focus too much on everything else, not that fact that im hurting and i need someone. I dont need to realize anything, I already know. and if i could change my hurting duh i would. but i cant and it hurts so now what. where are all those who said they would be there for me? Im not trying to judge my friends, i love them all very very much. But i dont think they would understand quite how I feel. I think I should start writing my poetry again to get this all out. because this journal doesnt seem to be quite doing what i want it to do. I feel empty. ANd I wish moving home would fix things but i know it wont. I mean my friends are great from time to time... like Frank even though he's in New york, he always makes me feel special. He a good friend and I love hanging out with him when im there. HE tells me im gorgeous and that he loves my personality. Positive things that I need to hear from a guy. I think if I were living back in NY we would probably be dating. Minus his girlfriend lol. I think its just I crave male attention in my life and I dont have that part. My father isnt one for showing his feelings, I mean I cry everytime he says that he loves me. which is rare. And its not that I dont know that he does, its just he spends more time criticizing me than rather praising me. its like im constantly trying to prove him Im worthy of his love. It doesnt help that I dont really have guy friends either. Guys have made me feel like shit in the past, like im not worthy of someone to love me. and they wonder why im deathly afraid of them. Im scared of men. all of them. so when i open up and let one it of course it backfires and it hurts me 20958432897 times more than it should. I mean I am strong I always get through this, but for the time being it hurts and I want to cry. Im only 20 and i feel like im 40. My biological clock is ticking already... I want to get married and have kids. and i feel like I never will. You know Im ready now, im ready for someone to love me who i love back. its what i want more than anything else. I dream about my wedding and having kids. thats all i dream about. I just want a family of my own. yet im only 20 and i have plenty of time. yeah i know. dont tell me that. I want to be a young mom, i want to be able to have grandkids and great grandkids. everyone is old in my family and it was to my disadvantage because no one ever participated in my life. Kelli got everyone... 10 years earlier. By the time I came along its like "im too old for this..." or "ive already been through this with your sister" and it makes me sad. it makes me feel more alone that I already do. I don't know what to do anymore. Im tired of being scared or being hurt all the time. I try to be strong and when i cant its like no one cares. but im supposed to jump when something happens to them. Forgive me if im wrong, but friendship doesnt work like that.
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